Germany VS that one evil guy
by Narniaisinmycloset
Summary: Crack. Germany is accepted to the wizarding school Blockharz. An evil wizard who's name can't be pronounced is wreaking havoc there and can only be stopped by the chosen one, Ludwig Beilschmidt.


I warned you... Pure and utter crack here folks...

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 _Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own, hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya, Harry Potter to J.K. Rowling and this story was originally written by Tommy Krappweis and Norman Cöster._

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Proud and beautiful, on a mountain in the Harz, stands Blockharz, Germany's oldest wizarding school. The castle, with its many towers and red roofs has been home to a myriad of german speaking wizards and witches. Here teachers pass down knowledge to the next generation, friendships are made and the three houses compete for glory.

Current headmaster is Fritz Dumdidum, an ageing professor whose long white hair and beard could rival that of the famous Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

Dumdidum was in one of the castles classrooms. Brightly coloured potions were blubbering in erlenmeyer flasks and several books lay opened on tables. He was studying a prophecy written in old runes on a blackboard, saying things like "yes, alright, O.K." and "yeah" while reading through it.

Suddenly he stopped, exclaiming "What is this crap supposed to be? I can't read this at all! An ex-nazi wizard? How could I possibly find an ex-nazi wizard!" He looked at the ornament in his hand. "But the amulet has to be protected… Ex-nazi wizard…" He turned to the book in front of him and started turning pages.

"Narcissus. Oh, great!" The old wizard closed the useless book rather forcefully.

"Oh, I need a distraction. Televiso glotzales," he chanted, tapping his wand on the plasma globe… err, the _crystal ball_ in front of him.

"Extra thick D thick cream!" The TV station announced.

"It's always ads!" He complained, tapping the ball again.

"Hold on. What is this?" The television showed a tall, blue eyed man with slicked back blonde hair in front of a crossed out swastika. "I have been where you are now," the man said, "but NaziRehab helped me see the truth. I found my way back into society and so can you."

"Haha! That's the solution!" Cheered Dumdidum, grabbing parchment and a feather. "Yes!"

* * *

Ludwig Beilschmidt, also known as Germany, was sitting in his living room, reading his a magazine.

"Oh, yes. The quiet," he said contentedly, "nothing but peace and quiet, a sofa, and my favourite magazine XXX XXXXX XXX XX. This is almost… nice."

An owl suddenly flew into the room and dropped a letter on his head. He shook it off and it landed on the pillow to his left.

"To: Ludwig Beilschmidt, Berlin," he read. Dropping the magazine to turn around the letter and find out who sent it he muttered "From whom?"

The back of the letter was stamped with a coat of arms, three vaguely animal shaped forms surrounding the letter B.

"Blockharz wizarding school for applied magic and practical witchcraft?" Ludwig read, disbelieve clear in his voice.

"Wizarding school. Magic. Witchcraft!" He gave the letter a suspicious glance. It sparkled blue for a second.

"Forget it. I'm not going to open you, letter. No matter how much you sparkle. On the more things you do that other letters don't do, the less willing am I to open you. There." He pointedly looked away from it. And then slowly turned back. The letter took this opportunity to sparkle blue again. This pattern repeated once more.

"Forget it. I'm looking over there now," he informed the letter. Over there another owl appeared, dropping a second letter on the pillow left of Ludwig. This letter also sparkled.

"Alright. To whom it may concern: Ludwig Beilschmidt is not opening mail that sparkles blue from a wizarding school. Never ever. NEVER. Forget it. And nothing and nobody can make him do so." After waiting a bit he added: "Including annoying owls that drop mail. Exactly. Those in particular. Howgh, I have spoken."

He had barely closed his mouth when a swarm of owls flew in, dropping whole stacks of sparkling letters on his sofa.

* * *

"There," Germany said when he was finally done tidying up the mess.

"Hello Ludwig!" Chorussed two voices he was definitely not happy to hear. With dread he watched his brother Prussia and his neighbor Denmark walk into the room.

"What's up, small fry!" Mathias giggled, causing Gilbert to burst out laughing at the nickname.

"I was just saying to Mathias: Damn, West is probably really bored without us. So we thought: Let's go up there and join him. And-"

"Here we are!" They both said.

"Uuuuhhhh," said Germany unintelligently, "Oh. You. Here. Already. If I had known that I would have, yes, well, uh, hello."

"Well, everything alright?" Asked Gilbert.

"Uhm, Yes, yes, everything is alright. But you two have to be somewhere now, right? Well that's fine. Ciao."

"Ok then. Ciao." They turned to walk away.

Turning back towards his brother Prussia said: "Uuuh, the awesome me doesn't have to be anywhere, West."

"Oh, too bad, I mean good. Yes, that's great because the weather out there is beautiful. There are so many uh, awesome things you can do out there, right?"

"Haha, yes, yes. Did you look outside, Ludwig?" Denmark laughed, "It's raining cats and dogs, the only thing we could do is ride a boat in the garden."

"You can have my inflatable boat if you want," Germany offered. "It's outside with my life jacket, next to the first aid kit. Take it, take it! A bit of rain won't stop you, will it? Well then, goodbye!"

They just stared at him.

"See you later," he told them.

They kept staring.

"You… Don't really want to ride a boat in the garden, do you?"

"No…" They said slowly.

"Mmh. And what if I ask you really nicely?!"

"What is going on with you West? Are you sick?"

"YES! Right! That's it! I must have forgotten. I have uh, chickenpox," Germany started to cough, "Oh, my throat is all scratchy," he coughed again, "and everything itches! Yes, you have to go now or you'll catch it and, and and… What are you doing, Denmark?"

Denmark hat pressed one hand to Germany's forehead and the other to Prussia's.

"You don't have a fever."

"Yes I do."

He gripped his chin. "Say AAAA"

"AAAA?"

"You throat looks fine."

"It's really not!"

"You also don't seem to have any spots. No signs of chickenpox at all." Mathias concluded.

"But I have spots! I mean,I had…"

"That means you're not contagious anymore!" Declared Prussia.

"I mean I haven't had them yet!"

"So, not yet contagious?"

"Yeah, no I mean that my… Crap."

Prussia turned to Denmark. In a stage whisper he said: "He is acting really strange today, isn't he?"

"Yes," Denmark confirmed, "stranger than usual, that's right."

"Oh well… The awesome me is going to wash his awesome clothes now. They're so dirty from driving my bike they are standing in the closet all on their own! Kesesesese"

"NO! NO THE CLOSEEEET!" Germany yelled, but it was too late. Prussia opened it and an avalanche of letters tumbled down on him.

"Oh no." Ludwig said, walking over to him.

"Blockharz? Magic? Witchcraft? West, you got accepted in a wizarding school! Awesome! They chose you because you are the chosen one! Can we join you!?"

"Is there a sliver of a chance that you two won't force me to go there?"

"No!" They said, once again, in unison.

"Well then."

"Hooraaaaayyyy! Let's go to Blockharz! We're going to pack!" They both produced suitcases out of thin air and ran downstairs.

"But Denmark doesn't even-" He heard crashing from downstairs and the screams of Gilbird. "-live here…"

"Alaka-crap."

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edited 22.07.19


End file.
